A stay at home dad giving up after 14 years

My Affair

  I've been having an affair for almost twice as long as I have been a father. For 14 years of my adult life I have been cheating not only on myself but on everyone I have loved. It all started when I was 18, I was working for the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. I was young and impressionable. I wanted to fit in with the rest of the guys around me. I didn't really think it was cool or anything, it just sorta felt more like I belonged. Most of the guys I knew were doing it and I honestly didn't see anything wrong with it. I do know there were many times when I had trouble finding the time, there were countless wasted moments....

 But they were always there when I needed them, No matter what the trouble was I could count on them. When I needed someone to listen they didn't say a word, just listened to my problems and we came up with quite a few solutions together. Over the years it has become more than an affair.... It has become more of an obsession. It has become an absolute need, the 5 minutes that I was able to steal away from my wife and kids. But it isn't just 5 minutes, The time adds up 5 minutes here and there doesn't seem like much but it really is. five minutes at a time 20 times a day is almost 2 hours I have been cheating us all out of everyday.

And do I feel guilty stealing this time away from us.I absolutely do, but I really didn't realize I was doing it. I don't think anyone really does. It controls us telling us we have to have that time the 5 minutes whether it is raining or shinning, it doesn't matter if it is 101 degrees or 11 degrees. I have sacrificed my time in all manner of extremes. And all just for a cigarette.

It's been a long time coming

 The thing about it is that I have been trying to quit on and off for a few years now, most of the time without any success whatsoever. It maybe easy for some people to just up and quit, and there maybe things out there who have helped others quit successfully, but none of that has worked for me. I've tried the e-cigs, the patches, the gum, and pretty much everything else you can think of short of getting a prescription for something. All the ways I have tried hadn't worked, be it because there was someone smoking around me or simply because I had easy access to them. One of the ways I had tried and had the most success was a design of my own, The basic idea was one cigarette per hour for a week, Then changing it to one cigarette per two hours the next week. And basically continuing on from there slowly kicking the habit.

  I had started out making myself wait to smoke, I would only allow myself to smoke  one cigarette a hour. and while by myself without anyone else smoking around me it worked great. however when I was around other people it was quite hard to make myself commit to the only one per hour rule. Especially when I would be sitting there waiting on the guys I was working with to get done smoking before we got back to working. I had fought through 3 weeks of this and did pretty well, however in the end I was still smoking.

Losing the control

 I would be willing to bet that every single person who has smoked or smokes now knows just how bad it can be for them, I knew and there were quite a few times it had crossed into my thought's while I was smoking. And even when I was sitting there thinking about it I would still be taking another drag off my smoke. The thought didn't phase me, I knew it was bad for me and what kind of stuff it could do to my body. The thought of getting something like cancer didn't even really concern me when it came right down to it I wanted the nicotine from that cigarette. No it was really more the feeling that I had to have the cigarette. My willpower had been beaten to a pulp over 14 years and I was no longer in control of my smoking habit. It had control of me. 

 Normally I am a strong willed person and when I put my mind to something I get it done. But I had become a slave to the cigarette. Which is most certainly not something that is easy for me to admit. However it is the truth. My smoking had stopped becoming I want a cigarette and turned into I need a cigarette, when it wasn't there I craved the next one, even to the point of not being able to wait. I would get antsy and fidgety craving the next drag off of a cigarette.

The thought just occurred to me...

 When did I lose control of smoking.... Was I ever really in control of it? When I was younger and had just started smoking it wasn't really a problem to go a few hours without a cigarette, I know I didn't feel the need to smoke like I do now when I go a long time without one. Then again it could possibly be a situation where the longer you smoke the more you want it... Regardless it's something that needs to stop.

But where to start?

 I know cold turkey isn't going to work, I have tried it more than once without success. The first day wasn't so bad, I had some cravings I wanted to smoke but I didn't have to have it. The second day I really wanted a smoke with my coffee like REALLY wanted it. I made it through that part of the day without too much difficulty, but by the end of the day I was craving a cigarette so bad I could taste it. My hands were shaking, I was grinding my teeth, and getting snappy with everyone in the house. It wasn't their fault and I knew that but it just seemed that every little thing would set me off. I felt like a real... Well there are quite a few very inappropriate words I could use to describe how I felt about myself afterwards. Which we won't be mentioning here but I am sure you can figure some of them out. The third day well, The third day was torture it's really incredible how something so small as a cigarette can have such a major impact on you and your outlook on life. 

 The cravings were so intense and it wasn't just short little bursts of cravings like the first two days, no these lasted all day from the time I got up to the time I went to sleep and laid there for a couple hours wishing I had a cigarette, feeling that I needed that smoke had to have it. The need to smoke kept me up for a couple extra hours that night. I couldn't get my mind to stop telling me I had to have it. 

 Of the countless ways out there to quit smoking I think the best way is to use my quitting method. The first week, start out with only letting myself smoke one cigarette a hour, and only allowing myself to smoke outside. Then the second week only one cigarette every two hours, the third week every three hours. until I get down to one cigarette a day, then the week after NONE! 

  I think I can do it this way. No wait I KNOW I can do it this way I have to have the mindset to quit as well I need to program it into my mind to unravel the need to have a smoke.  Just coming up with a plan to quit isn't going to work. There is a need for the will power as well. The want, need, desire, and ability to quit, it's here and I will do it. Not just for myself, though that is a very valid reason. I have to do this for my kids and my wife. 

Stay tuned...

There will be more to come, I will be keeping up with this blog and updating everyone as the weeks pass. I honestly hope that this may help someone else with quitting smoking, I know just how hard it is to do. Even if it only helped one person that would be amazing. So please feel free to share with your friends and comments are always welcome below. Thanks for reading, Have a great day.

This is my entry for the first week.... I know it has been awhile since I had originally posted this, and the explanation is in this thread. The first week.
  

Fish Tails

 As the stay at home parent its also my job to take care of the four legged animals and the fishy ones. We currently have a full blooded Chihuahua, a mixed Chihuahua \ Miniature Pinscher, a full blooded Miniature Pinscher, and a Shiba Inu Mixed with something else. Those are the four legged hooligans we have running around. In the fish tank we have two fantail goldfish and a black moor goldfish, as well as 14 ghost shrimp and three snails.

 Recently one of our goldfish started showing signs of distress black coming in on his fins and a couple little patches on his side. Since he had just got over a case of Ich and Swim Bladder Disease. I know poor guy has had it rough lately. I had just assumed it was coloring showing he had gotten over a sickness like they do sometimes. last week I was watching Doctor Who (Which is what rebel decided to name her fish.) Though I do really enjoy the show as well. 

 I noticed his tail fin was showing signs of coming apart, for a week there was no change. I had been keeping a close eye on him and it wasn't getting worse it was staying the same. just two little bits missing out of his tail fin. I decided to put him in a hospital tank and start a treatment with him, this way I'm not medicating the fish who are still healthy and showing no sign of illness. 

There was a problem with this idea though... I didn't have another filter I could use for the hospital tank. After doing some research and some thinking I came up with a idea for a impromptu bacteria filter. I gathered material I had laying around the house. 

-An empty fish food container.

-Some extra fish tank rock.

-A bath Loofah

  And naturally any chance I get to use a power tool I will take it so I also broke out my 18 volt drill, and a 1\8" drill bit.

Bottom of the food container

Bottom again to allow
for airflow

Side with holes drilled

I started by drilling a hole in the middle of the bottom, since the drill bit I was using was too small for the air hose to go through I had to made it a little bigger with a knife. Then I made the holes in the side this way the water can come into the filter at the bottom. I added the holes at the top for letting water and air escape. the filter. As a after thought I pulled the filter back out and added some holes in the screw on cap to increase water flow into the filter.

Added rock into the top

And the loofah sits in the bottom

After all the drilling and cleaning off the spurs of plastic (sandpaper works great) and don't forget to rinse it. I added the rocks into the top for weight and put the loofah in the bottom around the air stone. Which is where the bacteria will be living in theory...

The whole concept

After watching the filter while writing this blog I discovered putting a little rock in the bottom as well helps to stabilize the filter, the filter had kept flipping on it's side but now it seems to be standing upright like I intended it to.  I hope you enjoyed this small blog about my homemade filter and you found it useful in some way. Please feel free to share with your friends. If you have any thought's or comments please let us know. As always thanks for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day.

The P***ification of the interwebs.

 Here's the deal, more people than I can count are using social media to connect with others. Whether it is to connect with family, friends, even long lost relatives... Be it in a group of like minded people, a group of people who are in the same situation as you or I, and countless other groups on the myriad of social networking sites that are out there.

 There is a problem with this though, and that is that even joining groups with like minded people there are still going to be people who don't think they way you do. There could be things posted that you don't agree with or condone. Which is completely fine, we are all human... I think, if not would you please contact me. I would love to be the one to initiate first contact with an alien species.

 Being human is to error, no one is perfect and what one person may see as appropriate another may not. People tend to forget things like this though and think that everyone should cater to their thoughts and needs instead of trying to better the whole. One such incident happened not too long ago, a post was made and one person did not agree with it. He had voiced his opinion on it, not only did the poster apologize to him but many of the others in the same group had also apologized.

 But instead of leaving it as it was and blocking the thread this person completely left the group and went on to write a blog demoralizing the group as a whole, as well as the network affiliated with the group. Which in my opinion was completely wrong to do seeing as how it was not the entire group or the affiliated party who was responsible for the post.

 This type of behavior in my opinion is what contributes as George Carlin puts it, to the complete pussification of america... Not just america though but also the world, I completely agree with free speech and the right to voice ones opinion, which would have been fine. But to sit there and whine about a post and and then turn around after being apologized to and write a blog bashing the entire group and its affiliates...

 There was absolutely no need in it, yet this person did it anyway. There could have been many reasons for it.

 1. He could have genuinely been insulted and did not want to see that kind of content. There is a block button for that and no one has super glued your eye's to the computer. 

2. To make themselves look better in the eyes of another... 

3. To get more clicks on their blog... Which would be the worst reason in my opinion 

 I am sure there could be other reasons for their actions, whatever the reason the action they took could have been a much better one, and not include bashing of innocent people or the inclusion of them simply because they are in the same group or affiliated with them in any way. 

 As I said earlier I completely agree with being able to speak your mind on whatever it is you want. But there is also a line there, and when it is crossed you are not speaking your mind. You are bashing people and destroying the work of others who have busted their butts trying to make a good name for themselves and others. Simply because of not agreeing with something someone said or posted.

 In the end it boils down to this there are countless people using the same social media sites as you and I there will almost always be a time when we see something we don't agree with. But do not blame everyone for the actions of one person. Not only is that wrong but is also hurtful to those who had no interest in the post simply by affiliation.

 As always thank you for reading, I hope you share this with your friends. Even more importantly I hope you have a wonderful day!