Wednesday, February 19, 2014

This is going to hurt me, more than it will hurt you.

It'll hurt me more than it will you...

  I was sitting here earlier during one of those silent moment's, the one's where your not sure if you want to go check on them because you may break the spell they are under. But your also wondering if they are ok because they are being so quiet. Or they could be doing something they know they aren't supposed to be doing...

  It was a beautiful moment today Rebel and Ryder weren't arguing, they were actually getting along without a problem. Both of them watching a movie together, it about brought a tear to my eye not because they were actually getting along. Because I was able to get almost 30 minute's of uninterrupted thought, peace, and quiet. And that my friend's is a beautiful thing. 

 But it got me thinking about thing's my dad had said to me as a child, and the one that kept slipping to the front was of course, "This is going to hurt me more than it will you." Now at the time I knew without a doubt he was WRONG! I would think to myself afterward's there is no way on god's green earth his butt hurt's as bad as mine does now. At the time I failed to realize just what he meant, there really wasn't a way for me to understand the emotional construct of a father.

  I amazingly also had time to reflect back on the first time I spanked Rebel, now granted it was no more than a swat on the butt barely enough to have killed a fly. But the emotional turmoil that came with it is incredible. And i realized something, It did hurt when I spanked her. It literally tore at my heart, here is my little girl, my princess, my angel. And I have just caused her to cry, I had caused my precious bundle of joy pain. I felt so so bad, honestly there is no description for the pain I felt.  I found out on that day what my dad said was absolutely true.

  I have experienced some serious amount's of pain, from almost cutting off the tip of my finger to cutting my leg down to the bone. Physical pain is nothing compared to the pain of the heart, it cannot compare in anyway shape or form. So with that being said, I just want to say. Dad I am sorry I didn't believe you when you told me. And I love you!